


After Thoughts

by kathiann



Series: After Thoughts [1]
Category: The Mentalist
Genre: Episode Tag, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Season/Series 01
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-21
Updated: 2009-05-23
Packaged: 2017-12-10 17:55:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/788499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kathiann/pseuds/kathiann
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My take on what may have happened after the season one finale. Needless to say, if you haven't seen it, don't read this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Jane

**Author's Note:**

> This is my take on what may have happened after the finale. So, needless to say, if you haven't seen it, you shouldn't read it. Right now I have three chapters done, there may be four, not sure yet. Thanks to Ebony 10 for the beta.

He lay on his bed in his barren room. He had shot a man today. Shot the only man who they had ever found that had personally known Red John. Shot him and killed him. And it was torturing him. He knew why he did it, but he wasn't willing to admit it.

The sheriff had shot one of his own deputies, one of the men he worked with daily, and he was going to shoot Lisbon. Lisbon, who had shown up early and foiled his plan to find Red John. If she had only waited—just a few more minutes—he would have had him. He would have had Red John and his nightmare would be over.

True, he may have been dead, but better dead than living like this. He was such a coward. He couldn't even take care of it himself. He looked up at the horrific smiley face on his wall and his mind flashed to another one he had seen just days ago.

A smiley face without a dead body. As If Red John had been marking her as his. It was as if he knew that Jane would end up there, asking her questions, and see that face. And she was blind. Was that the only reason that Red John had chosen to stay with her? Maybe he had really cared about her. Probably not.

He though back to Lisbon and the conversation—no, _argument_ that they had had after she had beat the sheriff. How he would rather be dead than know that Red John was out there. And Lisbon...Lisbon, she was, well, she was just…she cared about him. She hadn't come right out and said it, but she had gotten as close as she would probably ever get.

And that made him sad, angry, frustrated, guilty, a myriad of emotions, all over the map, too many to catalog. He thought of the look on her face when he shot the sheriff. Was it relief, fear, sadness? To be sure she hadn't been expecting him to shoot anyone, let alone to protect her.

He lay there on the bare mattress for a few minutes longer, pondering, before he knew what he had to do. He got up and quickly let his house. He just hoped it wouldn't be too late.


	2. Lisbon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm re-watching the finale right now, and just realized that the Sheriff's last name is Hardy, half the people in my grandma's town are Hardy's and I'm related to all of them. I'd never heard it before outside her tiny little town, unless I was related to them. Oh, and in the ep, they say that Thanksgiving was only five months before, which means that it was April. Not that anyone cares. Thanks for all the reviews, I never expected so many, and to Ebony10 for being my beta.

She sat at her desk. It seemed that she spent more time at the office or out in the field than she did at her own apartment. Sometimes she was there working and other times because she just didn't want to go home. Going home would mean silence and being alone. At least here, there were people. Even at 3:00 am there were people. The cleaning crew and security were here all night, making the rounds, making noise. Not asking her questions she couldn't answer.

She never understood why she went along with half of the schemes that Jane thought up. The most recent one had to be one of the riskiest and ludicrous plans he had ever come up with. They, well Jane mostly, had figured out that the sheriff was involved. She had let him talk her into his ridiculous plan.

She knew he wanted Red John, knew what was going to happen when they got him. That's why she came early. She came so that she could stop Jane from doing something stupid, something she would have to arrest him for, something that he would probably die trying to do.

She threw her pen against the wall. She was such an idiot. Of course he would have rather died than let Red John go. And then she went and told him that she cared about him. Well, not her specifically, but people in general. Called him selfish and childish, tried to order him to stop. Like that would make a difference.

And then he shot the sheriff. He had shot him to protect her. She never thought he would do that. Protect her. Especially how angry he had been. Oh, he hid it well, but she knew. He was furious. The rage showed through in his crystal clear blue eyes. They were cold and hard as steel.

Why had he done it? He couldn't care about her. He didn't even care about himself. There was no way he cared about her. It must have been a reflex.

She rubbed her eyes with the palms of her hands. This case had almost been too much for her. She opened her top desk drawer to pull out another pen. Jane had shot a man and all that meant was that she had to do more paperwork. And she had to explain to Minelli why Jane had access to a gun in the first place and how Sheriff Hardy had gotten out of his handcuffs and shot a deputy. She threw the pen across the room again, but didn't hear the satisfying whack of it hitting the wall. She looked up and stared.

"Jane?"


	3. The Talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not turning out how I thought it was going too. Not sure if I'm going to do another chapter after this or not. Let me know what you think, or what you'd like to see. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, and to Ebony10 for being my beta on this.

"Jane? What the hell are you doing here? You're on leave. You shot a man tonight. You are _not_ supposed to set foot in this building until you've been cleared." Lisbon stared at him for a minute then went in search of another pen.

"I guess no one told Larry the night guard not to let me in the building." He sat down in the chair in front of her desk and placed the pen he had caught in front of her.

She simply glared at him and ignored the pen, choosing instead a new one out of her desk. She went back to filling out forms in triplicate, hoping that Jane would just go way. He didn't, though. He sat there, hoping that she would just look at him. He knew he'd been an ass earlier, but he couldn't help it. He waited for her to acknowledge him again and when she didn't, he decided that he was just going to have to start.

"I shot a man tonight, Lisbon. I killed someone." He hadn't meant for his voice to sound so unsure. It was the truth, but he was nervous about having to say it out loud. He'd always thought that the first person he would kill would be Red John. He had always figured Lisbon would end up shooting him after that.

"Don't remind me, Jane. Do you have any idea how much more paperwork is involved when there's an officer involved in the shooting? It's even worse when it's not an officer or agent that does the shooting. And when the person dies! Well, don't even get me started on that." She felt the urge to throw her pen again, but didn't want to show Jane how frustrated she was, although he probably already knew.

"I shot a man, Lisbon." Jane repeated. She obviously hadn't realized what he had said the first time. "I always figured when I killed someone that you would end up shooting me, but instead, I'm no closer to finding Red John and the one link we had to him is dead."

There was the urge to throw the pen again. She settled for slamming it into the desk instead. "Damn it, Jane! I know. Ok? I know you're mad at me. You blame me for Red John getting away and you're right. I should have just waited until Red John showed himself, but damn it, Jane, Sherriff Hardy was going to kill you. And I don't think I could handle…" She trailed off there, not wanting to finish the thought. "Do you know how much paperwork would have been involved in that? Minelli would never let me live it down. I'd probably be demoted."

She was trying to make light of the situation and knew it wasn't going to work,

"How do you handle it?" He asked her, eyes pleading with her.

"Lots of coffee. That way I get the paperwork done in one night." She smiled at him and then sobered. That was not what he had meant. "I don't sleep much, not at first anyway. It's never easy. Every time I shoot someone, kill someone, it feels like a little part of me dies with them. It never gets any easier."

"But you're here, every day, even after you shoot someone and you don't seem tormented about it."

"I guess I'm better at hiding my emotions from you than I thought." She sighed as looked at him. He looked broken and it was her fault. If she had just waited for Red John, they wouldn't be here right now. Maybe they would have been able to get Red John. But Jane would probably be dead. And that she couldn't handle. If she had to do it again, she would do it the same. "I would do it the same, if I had to do it again, Jane. Even if we could have gotten Red John, there's no guarantee that Red John would have let you and Sheriff Hardy both live, not to mention the girl. You could all be dead. And I would have been able to stop it."

"You already threw your pen, Lisbon. You'll have to find something else to throw. See, I can read you. I trusted you, Lisbon. I really did. And you couldn't even follow a simple plan. Who cares if we had all died? Just think of how many other lives that could have been saved. Now he's still out there. He could kill again tomorrow!" This was not going how he had planned. He did not come here to fight with Lisbon. They had already hashed this one out and had gotten nowhere.

"I'm going home, Jane. You should too." Lisbon said, standing abruptly and straightening the papers on her desk. She didn't want to have this argument again. She stopped in the doorway, turning back to him briefly. "I would have cared, Jane. I could have had three deaths on my conscience tonight. Instead there's just one and I'm not as upset about that as I should be."

She was gone before he got a chance to respond.


	4. Disturbance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried really hard to wrap this up with a little bow, but it just didn't happen. Sorry. Thanks to every one who reviewed and encouraged me to write a fourth part, I hope it doesn't disappoint. Also, thanks to Ebony10 for the beta.

She was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. She should be sleeping, but she couldn't get his face out of her mind. That look when he shot Sheriff Hardy. That unmistakable look of shock and grief and just a little bit of hatred. It was that last emotion that was keeping her awake.

She didn't know if that hatred had been directed towards her or himself or towards something else entirely. And that was really what frightened her. What would happen one day when that anger and hatred got to be too much for him to handle?

She thought back to the "fight" in the garden outside Rosalind's house. There had been real emotion behind his words. He had really meant that she would regret it if she stood in his way and now she thought that she did.

She had never expected him to shoot a man to protect her. And she wasn't sad that he was dead. This, really, was what was bothering her. She knew that she should be upset that Sheriff Hardy was lying on a cold slab in some morgue and not on a cold slab in a tiny jail cell, but she didn't. He was crazy. He deserved to die. He probably would have gotten sent to a mental hospital where he would manipulate all the nurses and doctors and likely eventually get released with medication.

This line of thinking was not helping any. The same arguments had been running around in her head all night. She couldn't help feeling responsible for what Jane did. If she hadn't put those thoughts in his head they could be down interrogating him right now! They could know who Red John was, what he looked like, where he came from. She knew they could get him to talk. He liked to talk too much. That much was evident.

She looked at her bed side clock. 5:00 am. She'd been in bed for an hour and a half and hadn't been able to get her mind to shut off. She sighed and got out of bed. Might as well get started on the day. She needed to finish the paperwork Jane interrupted anyway.

She showered and dressed quickly. She was standing in the bathroom trying to decide if she wanted to attempt to blow dry her hair or if she would just wear it in a pony tail today when she heard the knock on her door. She looked at her watch 5:26. Only one person would come to her house this early in the morning and she had no desire to see him. She just ignored the knocking at first until he started to pound on the door. She knew that would wake the neighbors and she didn't want to have that conversation with the landlord.

Wrenching the door open mid-knock, she hissed at him "What are you trying to do? Get me kicked out of my apartment for noise violations? Do you have any idea what time it is?"

He stepped around her and into her apartment, not bothering to look around. There would be time for that later. "I had something to tell you. I didn't think it could wait. I knew you wouldn't be asleep anyway."

She glared at him and walked back into the bathroom. "I'm trying to get ready to go to work. I've got a mountain of paperwork to do, no thanks to you." She called quietly. She hastily threw her hair into a ponytail—she could fix it at the office—and turned, jumping slightly when she saw him standing just out of sight of the mirror. "What the hell do you want, Jane?"

"I'm not sorry." He said, his face set in a grim line.

"When are you?" She stormed past him and back into the living room, looking around as if trying to remember why she came in there before walking into the kitchen and starting a pot of coffee.

"I meant about shooting Sheriff Hardy. I did it for one reason and one reason only. I did it to save you and Maya. If I hadn't shot him he would have killed you. You would be dead, and that would be one more person who died because of me, because of Red John, because I couldn't protect them. I couldn't handle having another person that I cared about be killed because of that monster."

She couldn't believe what he was saying. There were tears glistening in his eyes, threatening to fall as she opened and shut her mouth, trying to think of something to say. Before she got a chance however, he turned quickly and left, the only sound the click of the front door as he shut it behind him.


End file.
